life lately

the babies are sleeping as i type.  my coffee is lukewarm and i have been up since 4am with a sick baby.  Mikisa has seasonal allergies.  they hit her out of nowhere, and it’s like she physically can’t stop sneezing.  she has been in a foul mood, complete with yelling, stomping of feet and growling (yes, like a lion).  i had to drag her to the bus today because she kept collapsing to the ground.  intentionally.  to make me mad.  she was crying when i said goodbye.

the transition to first grade has thrown some curve balls at us.  i wish i could say everything’s going really well and life is a breeze.  but that wouldn’t be honest.  i can tell you that taking care of two babies is so much easier than taking care of my big girl.  and that is really sobering to me.  sometimes there are no easy answers to life’s challenges.  sometimes i realize that pain will always be part of our story.  that the hard things are part of our forever.  and i struggle to wrap my mind around all the broken pieces.  it’s been two and a half years and adoption is still wrecking me.  yes, there is so much beauty and so much redemption and she is such a blessing to our family.  i love my daughter fiercely.  but sometimes i feel like i have to keep trading in my dreams.  i mean, we can’t even go to a playground without difficulties.  i didn’t think it was going to be this hard.  i never knew how deeply her hurt would affect me.  i had no idea how much we would have to sacrifice.  and i get discouraged by that.  i am reminded that the only way to really live is to keep letting go.  to keep my hands open and my heart soft.  to accept this journey with gratitude.

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10 responses to “life lately

  1. Oh Christina! I know your struggles too well. I find myself often feeling the same way. You are right, our journeys will always be filled with pain and difficulty.
    I wish I could say it would be different. I pray for miracles for both of our girls. Most will never truly understand the sacrifices you have and will continue to make for your daughter. It is ok to be frustrated. Allow yourself to be human. It is ok to grieve the lose of dreams. But then we do have to let go and live the dreams God has for us. You are a truly special soul Christina and I know God has something so wonderful for you.
    If you need anything I am always here.
    Hugs
    Jenny

  2. Praying for you, my friend. God will walk with you. He called you to this place and will see you through. I can only imagine how tough it is. Deep breaths, self-care, and remembering to take one day at a time.

  3. Christina, Your words read so close to home and so my automatic instinct was to write you comforting words and encourage you through these tiresome times. However, I actually chuckled out loud (COL?) when I realized that me telling you what I do, what I think, where I mentally go, when I sometimes feel much the same burden and weight that you are writing of, is more close to you than you can probably imagine. You see, when I feel this way I think of Mikisa. I picture her sitting in the dirt as you once described to me. I think of her sitting there with no one to love her or to hold her and no hope for her to have the right medical treatment and no hope for her future. I think of her with no mommy or daddy and how lonely her world is. And then I thank God, Christina. I thank God that Mikisa has you and I thank God that I have Bethany. I thank God that He has given us these children rather than leaving them there sitting in the dirt. This is where I get strength from when I need it and I promise you Christina I turn to these thoughts sometimes several times a week. So, when I chuckle out loud (COL!) it’s because I think of how ironic that I would like to offer you strength when I myself rely on the strength God provides me through you and Mikisa. My family’s life wouldn’t be the same without you. 🙂

    • thank you Stacy! i pray for Bethany several times a week too. would love to meet you guys one day:) it helps me to know that there’s another mama out there who is dealing with the horrible beast that is ESES. and making the most of life with your girl, even though it is sometimes far more challenging than you ever thought life could be. glad my words and our story help give you strength! much love!!

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