the babies are sleeping as i type. my coffee is lukewarm and i have been up since 4am with a sick baby. Mikisa has seasonal allergies. they hit her out of nowhere, and it’s like she physically can’t stop sneezing. she has been in a foul mood, complete with yelling, stomping of feet and growling (yes, like a lion). i had to drag her to the bus today because she kept collapsing to the ground. intentionally. to make me mad. she was crying when i said goodbye.
the transition to first grade has thrown some curve balls at us. i wish i could say everything’s going really well and life is a breeze. but that wouldn’t be honest. i can tell you that taking care of two babies is so much easier than taking care of my big girl. and that is really sobering to me. sometimes there are no easy answers to life’s challenges. sometimes i realize that pain will always be part of our story. that the hard things are part of our forever. and i struggle to wrap my mind around all the broken pieces. it’s been two and a half years and adoption is still wrecking me. yes, there is so much beauty and so much redemption and she is such a blessing to our family. i love my daughter fiercely. but sometimes i feel like i have to keep trading in my dreams. i mean, we can’t even go to a playground without difficulties. i didn’t think it was going to be this hard. i never knew how deeply her hurt would affect me. i had no idea how much we would have to sacrifice. and i get discouraged by that. i am reminded that the only way to really live is to keep letting go. to keep my hands open and my heart soft. to accept this journey with gratitude.