thankful

this mothers’ day i am thankful for my two sweet daughters who have given me the gift of motherhood.  such a rich and vibrant journey it is.  so beautiful and so hard at the same time.  sometimes, it feels like chaos and i have to remind myself to just breathe and get through the day.  other times, it’s like soaring high above the clouds.  mostly, it’s messy and real and brings out all the good and bad i never knew was inside of me.  and so it’s also full of grace.  motherhood reveals flaws.  it breaks me open.  makes me vulnerable and dependent on God.

i became a mother very unexpectedly on the streets of uganda.  one moment, i was a single, fiercely independent world traveler.  the next moment, i was a mom.  just like that.  my heart was shattered and whole at the same time.  the void i never knew was there had suddenly been filled by a scrawny five year old who trembled in my arms from fear of human touch.  she didn’t know how much she needed a mom and i didn’t know how much she would change my life.  we were both so broken that all we could do is hold on to each other.  we cried together and sat in the dirt, not knowing how to start this journey.  and then we fought for her life.  she was so sick, and i was so scared.  but we slowly let ourselves be changed by love.

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and then i had a whole new taste of motherhood when my second daughter was born.  the wonder of new life growing inside my body for nine months.  the intense pain of labor and delivery followed by the incredible flooding of love i felt for her.  the simplicity of caring for a newborn straight from the arms of God who hasn’t yet been tainted by this world…such a vastly different kind of mothering.  i am thankful for my second daughter’s call to grace.  how she helps me remember that it’s not about keeping the house clean or doing the dishes or always having home-cooked meals ready.  it’s about being there…just showing up when they need me and being present for both of them.  she reminds me to slow down and snuggle more.  to breathe in the moments because my are they fleeting.  to soak up the precious middle of the night feedings even when i feel so tired i can barely keep my eyes open.  she looks up at me with eyes full of trust and love and dependence and makes me realize that being a mother is an incredible privilege.

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with all my imperfections and shortcomings, i get to be mom to these two beauties.  and i couldn’t be more thankful for the gift that they are.  i am thankful that i get to help guide them through this life.  i am thankful for the love we share.

family by the fire

This Love by Mandi Mapes
I’ve never felt this way before
funny how you found you’re way to my door   
suddenly my prayers are coming true
these arms are not letting go of you

this love this love is the deep kind
you’re my baby, you’re my sunshine
I’ll hold your hand, be your biggest fan
and I’ll love you all of the time

our eyes are not quite the same shade
and your hair blows in the wind a different way 
but I am your mother and 
I love you just the same 
so I’ll take your hand honey 
you can take my name

my heart has been redeemed,
adopted and now I know my Father
this grace that I’ve received 
I want to show you

this love this love is the deep kind
it hangs on through the storm and the sunshine
I’ll hold your hand, be your biggest fan
I’ll love you all of the time
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One response to “thankful

  1. I know in the midst of everything how easy it is to feel swallowed up by everything. You are amazing! Your girls are amazing. Our journeys are different but the same in so many ways.
    It gives me strength and comfort to know that I have a sister in Christ who is navigating a similar journey. It calms my fear that maybe I can’t do this. I see your strength and it renews mine. I am blessed to know you!

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