motherhood

last february i unexpectedly became a mom.  i hadn’t planned on it.  at all.  i didn’t have 9 months to prepare a nursery, to feel my child growing inside me.  i didn’t have time to read the books or do the research.  but never mind how it happened.  it was real.  i became a mom overnight.

what a gift it has been.  motherhood has taken me on an incredible journey.  i have felt the strangling grip of fear and the deep ocean of grace.  and this just the beginning of the journey that never ends.  the path is long and winding, with newness around each bend.

at first i was overwhelmed with doubt and fear: how could i possibly lead another human being in the right way when I was barely making it myself? do i have what it takes?  can i still experience the fullness of life while caring for another so diligently? little by little i am letting go of the sheer terror of this enormous responsibility.  i am realizing that no one is perfect and it will take a lifetime of learning and messing up and receiving grace to be the mother i really want to be. i am learning to set aside selfish desires and invest into relationship with my new family.

i can still feel the vulnerability of that moment on the street where our worlds collided with so little foreshadowing.  i remember taking her limp body in my arms and holding her as she trembled.  i can still see her begging, her ribs bare through ripped fabric.  i can still see her tiny body rocking in its haunting dance.  but now i see her beauty too.  she lights up my life.  she is mine.

parenting is holding on to radical grace.  learning to forgive and love unconditionally.  failure is inevitable.  but that’s part of the beauty of it all.  that we don’t have to be perfect to love.  and sometimes love is enough.

so thank you sweet daughter for this gift of motherhood.  thank you for allowing me to shape you and teach you.  i feel unworthy but blessed to be your mother.  i love you to the moon and back.

Ann Voskamp says it so well, “The mantle of motherhood can feel like the weight of a universe and raising a child is to be entrusted with a bit of eternity. Would I be fool enough to take the matter lightly? The charge of a small child is no small charge and you’ll have to charge the gates of heaven to hold back the forces of hell.”

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