thoughts on a thursday

i’ve been thinking a lot lately.  writing has taken a back burner as my thoughts swirl, incoherent and jumbled.  how is it possible that i feel so much gratitude mixed in with the stabbing pain of fear?  does this joy really coexist with my gnawing worry?  how do i hold on to hope? why is it hard to believe in miracles, even as they are happening right in front of me?

when i said yes to bringing home my daughter, i welcomed the pain of the world into my living room.  you don’t forget it when you live with it every day.  i look at her sweet face–full of beauty and innocence, but eyes deep with the haunting reminders of loss.  all our joy mixed with tragedy.  her wonder marred by life-wounds.  i feel like i’m on a merry-go-round where little makes sense.

Mikisa during her ambulatory 24-hour EEG

you see, last year when i jumped into this plan that God had for me…i knew that my life would take a drastic turn.  i realized that everything would change, that it would be hard, that my once semi-predictable life would be full of the unknown.  i realized i would feel lost and helpless, worried and afraid.  i thought that no one would want me and her, and that we would end up struggling through life on our own.  but…i guess i didn’t really believe in the power of love.  i had no idea how much this decision would change me.  how all the mess in my heart would be brought to the surface, and how how beautiful this unearthing process would be.

really, we’re in a good place now.  mikisa is talking more every day, and overall she’s astounding us (and the doctors and therapists) with her progress.  one of our neurologists said, “it just doesn’t make sense.  she should be regressing with all that seizure activity every night.  she should be losing skills.”  well, we believe in a miracle-worker God.  He keeps moving on her behalf.  He surpasses our human understanding and reminds us where to put our hope.

while we are stretched and challenged more that we thought we needed to be, we grow.  growth doesn’t just happen once.  it’s a continual process of refining.  we are learning to let go of more of the things we once thought were important.  the things that we once believed defined us.  we realize that if anything other than God is shaping our lives, it needs to be let go of.  so that He will increase.  it is unnatural, this letting go of control.  but little by little, we are learning that in our weakness, He is strong.  when we let go, He steps in.  He takes our worries and gently reminds us that all is grace.

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3 responses to “thoughts on a thursday

  1. Dear Christina,
    Our jounrney with Marilla as we battle the brain cancer, has been much like what you describe. What you express is so much what we are experiencing right now…..”How is it possible that i feel so much gratitude mixed in with the stabbing pain of fear? does this joy really coexist with my gnawing worry? how do i hold on to hope? why is it hard to believe in miracles, even as they are happening right in front of me?” All of what you experss echoes in our hearts. Beth

  2. so unnatural indeed… funny how you described this with that word – so much of this is unnatural. adoption, miraculous healing, unexplainable love, grace. totally not natural… supernatural 🙂

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