as i sit here typing, my computer battery is gradually dying. the power has gone out three times. it’s been a long evening of candles, headlamps, and stepping on roaches in the dark. i’ve almost come to a point of acceptance about this whole lack of power situation. but not quite. it’s still really annoying and inconvenient. it’s rainy season here, so it’s normal for the power to be out every day for most of the day. each morning, i wake up to the sound of pouring rain. fortunately, the sun always seems to come out and dry things up by the afternoon. but there’s mud everywhere!!!
i’ve been thinking a lot lately…about life and love, about how God gives and takes away, about what a gift life is, and how we often take it for granted. it’s a miracle that we wake up every morning and have the opportunity of living another day. love is a gift too. none of us deserve to be loved, but God loves us unconditionally as his sons and daughters. and he puts people in our lives who love us just the way we are, with all our faults and shortcomings. i am learning to love more. a mother’s love is different and special. dependence and trust are involved, two things i didn’t think i wanted before met my daughter. i thought i wanted to be independent, and i haven’t done too well with trusting people. now God is showing me that I need to let go of the person I used to be and become more the woman he created me to be.
i’ve been grieving the way Mikisa was mistreated for the first 6 years of her life. all the abuse, abandonment and rejection. how could her mom leave her with nothing? who leaves a baby in a ditch? how could she call her a curse? her curse is my blessing. the abandonment of her baby girl resulted in the start of my new family. it’s a broken, twisted story, and i’m grieving for Mikisa now. grieving that she knows she wasn’t loved by her birth mom. grieving that she will one day want to know more. i don’t want that rejection or lack of love to define her. i want her to know what a special girl she is, and how much she is loved. i am grieving that she still gets confused, still rocks her little body back and forth when i leave her alone, still cries her silent tears when she believes no one cares. i know the healing will take some time, and i just pray that God will use me to be part of his redemptive plan for Mikisa’s life.
overall, Mikisa has improved greatly over the past month. she is growing so quickly!! she now fits in 3T and even some 4T clothes! she loves our evening walks and now prefers the stroller to the moby wrap (much to the relief of my sore back). she is even starting to enjoy her physical therapy, mainly because we integrate it into fun games with the boys! we have conversations that neither of us understand, because they’re primarily in her make believe language. it’s so funny and cute. her favorite made-up word is tuttanana. she uses it in multiple contexts and has a tuttanana song that she sings whenever she’s super happy. she is really trying to walk, although it’s obviously still quite painful and she would do a lot better with a walker. she smiles when i tell her i love her and sometimes says it back. she has learned to give kisses and is working on hugs. our favorite time of the day is right before bed, when we snuggle and listen to JJ Heller. Mikisa hums along in her sweet soft voice and i just sit there with her, soaking it in. she loves to sing and dance:) we have several different songs for different times of the day, and Mikisa has even made up her own “hallelujah” song! oh, and in case any of you were starting to think she’s a perfect child, she’s got a lot of attitude too, which is one of the reasons we get along so well. can I just say again how much i love her? she’s wonderfully amazing and full of surprises every day.