crazy beautiful love

this week i am choosing love.  crazy, beautiful love.  i know that this is a good choice.  love is always a good choice.  i think that this choice will allow me to be a small part of God’s redemptive plan.  that it will open me up more and more to His will and that my heart will gradually soften and melt so that my love can be more easily shared.  that it will drastically change the rest of my life.

i have decided to continue with the process of adopting Mikisa Mae.  i am choosing to walk through the doors that keep opening for me.  when and if i come to a closed door, i will knock hard…maybe even try to break it down.  but for now, i am so grateful to have been chosen to be Mikisa’s mom. i want to spend the rest of my life showing her unconditional love.  i believe this is what God is calling me to do, and i consider it an honor that He has brought the two of us together with such incredible timing.  i don’t think any of this is coincidental. before coming to Uganda,  i was at a point in my life where i knew i needed radical change…which is why i decided to resign from my teaching job and move here.  i didn’t know why and many people told me i was crazy.  i realize now that i was just existing before.  going through life without really living.  not truly loving like i could have.  so now i don’t want to waste any more time waiting for the rest of my life to happen.    i don’t’ want my heart to fade away.  i want to be used up.  life is short and it should be full.  i’m amazed at how God makes wonderful things out of our messy lives.  he makes it all work when we can’t.  he hears our cries and turns them into a beautiful melody.

so now for a quick update on Mimae.  she is adjusting well to life at newstart.  she loves all her big brothers here!!!  they are helping her learn how to talk and walk, and she especially loves dancing with them.  it’s adorable.

i have taken her to several doctors in the past week to get a more accurate picture of her health.  her CAT scan showed that she had a stroke, probably at birth, that affected most of the right side of her brain.  so this is what caused the partial paralysis.  however, her frontal lobe was not damaged, so she should be able to learn how to talk!!  yesterday, i took her in again for an abdominal ultrasound, because her belly is really big.  but they said it’s probably just worms and it will take several months for her body to adjust to the new diet and get rid of all the parasites.

Mikisa is so resilient.  every day she is getting stronger and more spunky!  she is opening up like a little flower, taking in all the love that is being showered on her.  she is so humble and patient.  she has such a gentle, kind spirit.  i love that she is starting to talk.  hearing her little high-pitched voice say “mama” when she needs me is absolutely amazing.  she has said several other words this past week including, hi, bye, wanji, gendi, and nkwagala (i love you).  communication is a challenge, because she only understand Luganda, but i am learning some of her language and also teaching her English and sign language.  She has a lot of potential!

it makes me so sad to think that i missed the first six years of Mikisa’s life.   i couldn’t be there when she needed me.  she was so alone and rejected for so long.  she still thinks she has to pay me for her food and gets anxious if she doesn’t have a coin in her hand when she’s hungry.   she  raises her tiny weak arm like a beggar when she wants something.  no words–just big pitiful eyes that speak of immesurable suffering.  she has scars and bruises (both physical and emotional) from pain i have no understanding of.  she sometimes goes into her own little solitary world, rocking and humming softly just to shut it all out…trying to erase all this confusion.  she sometimes cries silent tears which shake her little body but she can’t tell me what’s wrong.  i ache for her.

it breaks my heart that nobody has ever shown Mikisa what love really means.  i hope that i can be that person now.  i want to live life with her. to laugh with her when she’s happy and cry with her when she’s sad.  to hold her when she’s alone and be there for her no matter what challenges we will face.

Mikisa Mae is the best thing that has ever happened to me!  she’s my favorite part of this story.


7 responses to “crazy beautiful love

  1. Love it. So excited for this! Can’t wait to see you in a couple weeks and for you all to meet our daughter next week!!

  2. I am so happy for you. I love reading about your adventures. You have such an amazing heart, which we all saw when you were here. You were ment to be there and find this little sweet girl. Are you planning on staying there past june? When you come back to the states, I would love to meet your daughter. Talk to you soon. Kim

  3. Beautiful Sister,

    So great to talk to you today and to see Mikisa and hear her sweet small voice. I am sending you an email because your words are heavy on my heart and I want to share with you how BIG our family is! Even reading through the comments on your blog amazes me as I see God pulling together His family – Our family – to support you and encourage you. Does it not feel a perfect reflection of his agape that as you pour out love to Mikisa so many are pouring out love to you both as we welcome her in anticipation and great celebration? Our Father is so much bigger than our fears!

    Love you!


  4. I just want to say reading your words are inspiring and motivational; they contain a wisdom well beyond your tender years. Little M is lucky to have you, and I’m lucky to witness, vicariously through you, such amazing, transformational love. Thank you for writing.

  5. Pingback: >Life Worth Living « Ripples from Rachel·

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